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Everyday Me

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Loss

My grandmother passed away yesterday.  I feel like I should have nothing and everything to say about that but I cant really put the words together I need. I cried yesterday, as one would when something like this happens.  Then something else kicked in.  I felt at peace.  I know she is in a better place now, even though I dont even know if I believe in heaven or what comes after.  I know she is no longer in pain from kidney failure, old age, and other ailments that plagued her in the later years of her life.

I have no regrets.  We were close from the moment I was able to form memories to just Wednesday when I saw her for the last time.  There are few moments of my life, big or small, that she wasnt a part of.  There are no times where I went for long stretches without seeing her or talking to her.  She was an integral part of my life and in her passing, I dont have to look back on what might have been or what I didnt do.  All of my memories, even that last sad one, are good ones.  All the conversations, the laughs, the tears....she shared this 39 years of life with me.

I wish she was still here.  Of course I do, who doesnt when they lose a loved one.  But I am left with all that she gave me....my resilience, my ability to know, accept, and love myself, my faith (even if I hardly know how to use it), my black womanhood.  Mom-Mom will always be in my soul, she is my soul.  It's a loss, a huge loss, but I'm thankful that I had her for so long and that I valued and cherished who she was in my life.