My grandmother passed away yesterday. I feel like I should have nothing and everything to say about that but I cant really put the words together I need. I cried yesterday, as one would when something like this happens. Then something else kicked in. I felt at peace. I know she is in a better place now, even though I dont even know if I believe in heaven or what comes after. I know she is no longer in pain from kidney failure, old age, and other ailments that plagued her in the later years of her life.
I have no regrets. We were close from the moment I was able to form memories to just Wednesday when I saw her for the last time. There are few moments of my life, big or small, that she wasnt a part of. There are no times where I went for long stretches without seeing her or talking to her. She was an integral part of my life and in her passing, I dont have to look back on what might have been or what I didnt do. All of my memories, even that last sad one, are good ones. All the conversations, the laughs, the tears....she shared this 39 years of life with me.
I wish she was still here. Of course I do, who doesnt when they lose a loved one. But I am left with all that she gave me....my resilience, my ability to know, accept, and love myself, my faith (even if I hardly know how to use it), my black womanhood. Mom-Mom will always be in my soul, she is my soul. It's a loss, a huge loss, but I'm thankful that I had her for so long and that I valued and cherished who she was in my life.