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Everyday Me

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Weight a Minute

I've been fat most of my life.  Not as a small kid but I hit puberty at nine and starting growing up and out.  I used food as a crutch, I feared my blossoming body.  I was depressed, scared, and had suffered abuse.  Food kept me alive, it made me feel something.  But it took it's toll.  It wasnt until I was in my 30s that I learned to accept my body and what it could do.  I am an avid walker, I can twirl with the best of them, at every physical my blood work comes back just fine.  But in the past 2 and a half years, I put on another 30 pounds.  That wasnt good.

My knees started to hurt, my foot was bothering me, I never wanted to walk unless I had to and I got more depressed as I carried more weight both literally and figuratively.  I made some hard decisions over the past 6 months as I went from caring full time for my mother to putting her in nursing care.  I had to leave my childhood home and find an apartment.  I struggled at work, I struggled in life, and the weight hung around my neck like an anchor.  I was drowning.  So I made a decision.

It's time to get back to my comfy fat.  I'm doing it the way I always have, walking.  I'm breaking a sweat and I want to get to 10,000 steps by the end of the month.  I want to take off the majority of the 30 pounds I put on as the depression hopefully lifts and food is no longer a crutch.  I will always love food.  I love to cook, eat, and have such joy when I experience food with friends or alone....food is fantastic.  But I can live in harmony with my comfy fat and food.  I did it for years, its not impossible. 

I can still exercise, allow my body to change for the better, and still be fat.  It used to be a word used against me, a weapon that wounded me deeply.  But its who I am and doesnt take away from the other things I am....a friend, an aunt, a daughter, a writer, a cat mom.  Fat is a part of me, it isnt me.  And I'm OK with that.