August and Everything After
So many changes are coming to my life I hardly know where to begin. I've been at my job for 9 months now. I've been in my new apartment for two months and have a La-Z-Boy, which has always been a dream of mine. In 37 days I'll be releasing my first novella on Amazon. I've been power walking for 6 weeks and have lost 11 pounds. in 8 months I'll be 40 years old.
Recently I've made some hard decisions...I've been making hard decisions for the past 3 years. But I can no longer be my mother's primary caregiver. She's in nursing care, the result of physical and cognitive disabilities resulting from a brain tumor. I gave all I had to care for her outside and give her a semi-independent life. I burnt myself out. Mentally, physically, I suffered a lot and it will take a significant amount of time to recover. So I had to make the decision to put myself first. When you're a caregiver you can rarely come first.
So here I am out here on my own. I no longer have my mother, who I lived with before and after her illness. It's been three weeks since I lost my grandmother. I made the decision today to finally reach out to the majority of my immediate family members and basically sever our relationships. I've long been in an abusive, difficult, and draining cycle with people who use my financial and emotional labor to their advantage but cant even respect me like a fellow human. So I cut the rope.
Being alone isnt easy. I'm blessed to have amazing friends. I've got my cat. And I've got most of my sanity back. Sometimes you have to make really hard decisions in life in order to live. It can be gut-wrenching at the time but you know you have to do it. And it might take a little time but the results will make you happier in the end. There's only so much you can give before there isnt a thing left. And if you're lucky, you can fix things before all of you is gone.
I have things to look forward to. Things for me, that will make me happy. The struggle isnt over, its never over, but there's light at the end of the tunnel and I want to take a little while to bask in it before getting back to work.